my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
