My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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