You can't motorboat a personality
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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