I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
