Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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