life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
