Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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