I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Dignity is for republicans.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
