how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
