Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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