I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
