She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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