Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
