Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
