So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
