your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
