i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
