So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
