genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
