what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
My balls are so social today.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
