Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
