am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
