I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
