lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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