Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
