theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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