I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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