I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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