There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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