i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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