He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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