i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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