Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
