I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
