Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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