Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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