just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
