im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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