why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He keeps bees of course he's weird
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
