I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
