Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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