Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
