We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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