i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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