All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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