if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
