When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
