so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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