Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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