I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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