Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Randomize
