I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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