nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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