you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Randomize
