FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
