I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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