Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
