ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
