I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
