Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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