so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
