I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
