There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Randomize
