Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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