Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My balls are so social today.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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